A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic
by Anathema2
Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don’t worry, I write this out of love. Mostly. If you have a problem with your heart, your back, or your sense of humor, you should not read this fic. Updated when possible. Chapter 6 up!
1. In Which the Marauders Meet

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, mild cursing, and satire. If you have a problem with your heart, your back, or your sense of humor, you should not read this fic.

Disclaimer: Any and all plagiarism is blatant.

Author's Note: Welcome, fellow fanfic writers, to my Evil Lair of Doom! (maniacal laughter) Now that I have that out of the way, allow me to explain my artistic vision. Or perhaps that's rather like a three-year-old explaining what inspired his most recent fingerpaint masterpiece. Anyway, I don't know why I decided to write this story. I was young and not so innocent (I _was_, after all, in eighth grade), and I decided to write a story that incorporated all the horrible MWPP clichés out there. Originally it was going to be short, but it just kept growing. So now that I've explained myself, let the terror begin.

_Chapter 1: In Which The Marauders Meet, Become Friends, and Defy Nature by All Being Placed in Gryffindor, Not to Mention that the Author Makes Excellent Use of Plagiarism and Capital Letters_

James Potter, who had hazel eyes and glasses and was popular beyond imagination despite his hopeless dorkiness, was riding the Hogwarts Express. Then three boys, all of whom had different eye and hair colors, came into the train compartment and sat on James's lap.

"Hello!" said the small, brown-haired boy. "We're your future best friends. Those of us who lack absurd symbolic names are fat." He grinned pleasantly. "And I'm not a werewolf."

"Nice to meet you," said James. "Now get off my lap."

"Hey, look, we're at Hogwarts!" shouted Sirius, who had suddenly acquired a name.

"You've got a name?" asked James.

"Yeah, they're falling down from the sky."

The blond boy shrieked. "I don't wanna be Arabella!"

Once everyone had his or her correct name, the students got to Hogwarts. The author reread HP #1, and stole the lake-crossing scene.

"Attention!" shouted McGonagall, who had used telepathy to inform the students of her name. "Anyone who talked to James Potter on the train is now in Gryffindor! The rest of you—line up for the Sorting!"

"Hey, look!" said Remus. "A redhead!"

"I hate you, bitch!" James shouted at the redhead.

"I hate you, too!" she called.

Author's Note: Now wasn't that fun? I have more chapters written, and even more waiting to be written. However, I can't be trusted to write with regularity. Are you interested in reading other chapters? How often would you like me to post them? (I think something between every three days and once a week would be appropriate.) Are there any fanfic clichés you would like me to make fun of? And don't you DARE say Mary-Sues. Thanks for reading. Please review if you can—I will make every effort to return the favor.


	2. In Which There is Enough Foreshadowing

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, kleptomania, and criminal misuse of literary devices.

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that I don't own these characters.

Author's note: Wow! I definitely didn't expect anyone to notice this tiny little fic...but you did! Yay, readers! dances I think I'm going to update this story every Wednesday, because it's my junior year, my classes are HARD, and my study habits...um...don't exist. If I updated more frequently than that, I would fail all of my classes, but if I waited any longer between updates, you would get tired of waiting and stop reading. This chapter's really short. Sorry.

_Chapter 2: In Which There is Enough Foreshadowing to Stun a Werewolf_

The Gryffindors' first class that day was Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall, who, due to a time warp, had grey hair, despite being thirty years younger than she was in the Harry Potter books.

"Hello," said McGonagall. "All of you should give me one Sickle, which is SILVER, because I like money."

Everyone gave McGonagall one SILVER Sickle except Remus, who counted out precisely twenty-nine Knuts. When McGonagall approached him with the collecting cauldron, Remus took one look at all the SILVER coins and swallowed hard. His throat swelled shut, his eyes began to water, and he passed out.

"No need to worry!" said McGonagall, searching Remus's pockets for valuables. "I'll take him up to the hospital wing. Potter, you teach the class." She shook James's hand, at the same time stealing his watch.

After classes, James, Sirius, and Peter went to visit Remus. "Hi, Remus!" Peter squeaked (as he always did). "Feeling better?"

"Yeah," Remus muttered, though he didn't fancy what he knew was coming next.

"We just came from Potions," Sirius said. "We learned to make one hell of a sleeping potion. The active ingredient is WOLFSBANE!"

"Wait," said James, confused. "Wasn't it MISTLETOE?"

"WOLFSBANE!"

"MISTLETOE!"

"WOLFSBANE!"

"MISTLETOE!"

"Stop it!" Remus snapped.

"Why? WOLFSBANE!"

"BECAUSE YOUR ARGUING IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" Remus shouted.

"I can't think of any more foreshadowing," said Peter glumly. "Rats!"

A/n: Haha! I love that line! And, of course, there's nothing cooler than klepto!McGonagall. If any of you brilliant readers have exciting ideas for future chapters, let me know. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next week!


	3. In Which Evil is Afoot

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, mild sexual innuendo, illegal Animagi, and words with three or more syllables.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I do not own anything. I live in a shoebox. I am so hungry. Please send help.

_Chapter 3: In Which Evil is Afoot_

On a normal day in any given month, the Gryffindors were falling asleep during a Divination lecture that was probably taken verbatim from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

"Neville," said Professor Trelawney mistily, "you're going to die."

James opened his mouth to say something sarcastic about how his name was not Neville and how he did not plan to die until he was quite old, but he quickly shut his mouth again after remembering that foreshadowing was last chapter.

"This is really boring," Sirius said. The class laughed uproariously, as they did whenever Sirius opened his mouth.

Trelawney glared at him. "Well, Mister Black, that's what you get for taking Divination in your first year."

"Hey, look!" shouted a forgettable tertiary character, pointing at a window that had magically appeared because the author was too lazy to go back and verify that Trelawney's classroom actually has windows. "It's a vaguely sinister-looking guy on the Hogwarts grounds! Perhaps we should alert Professor Dumbledore!"

"Pssh," said James. "If we did that, we'd be much less likely to end up dead. Let's go out and investigate!"

"Yaay! Mortal peril!" cheered the other students, rushing from the classroom to the grounds.

Once the students reached the grounds, the sinister-looking man was still exactly where he had been before. The students all eyed him warily.

Finally, Peter squoke up—er, spoke up. "Hi, Your Sinisterness," he said. "Who are you?"

"I'm so glad you asked," cackled the man in a high, cold voice that sounded oddly like a certain aspiring dark lord. "I am evil beyond all imagination. I am the dark lord Grindelwald!"

Lily cleared her throat. "No, you aren't. Grindelwald was defeated in ."

The sinister man frowned, puzzled. "In that case, I am Count Olaf."

Lily shook her head. "No."

"Darth Marchedevie?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Osama bin Laden?"

"Nice try."

"Newt Gingrich?"

"I should hope not."

"Fine!" the man shrieked, stamping his foot. "I'll be Lord Tromedlov."

"Fine," said Lily. "You're Tromedlov."

Peter gasped. "Name the not speak!" he cried.

Raising her eyebrows at Peter, Lily asked, "So, how did you get here and what are you doing?"

"Well," Tromedlov said casually, "I Apparated here so that I could take over your school and use it as a Dark wizard training facility."

"Eek!" shouted the students.

"Wait!" cried Lily. "According to Hogwarts, A History, you can't Apparate on school grounds!"

Tromedlov was livid. "Dammit!" he screeched. "You've found the flaw in my plan! I must kill you! But first I must terrorize you and go off on a rant!" So saying, he pointed his wand at the nearest student and shouted, "Avada kedavra!"

"Oh, my God!" cried the students. "They killed…um…some guy…"

Tromedlov, meanwhile, had pointed his wand at Lily and begun a five-minute bout of cackling. The previously self-sufficient Lily, proving herself to be a complete idiot in the face of danger, was wringing her hands in despair. "Oh, won't somebody save me?" she wailed. "Look at how cute and appealing I am when I'm in distress!"

"Don't worry!" James shouted. "I'll save you!" With a heroic cry, he leapt forward and stepped on Tromedlov's foot.

"Owwie!" cried Tromedlov. "You hurt meeeee!"

James raised his wand and cried, "Locomotor mortis!"

"Auggghhhh!" shrieked Tromedlov. "Even though you are only a first year magic student, your powers are overwhelming! I'm melting…" He glared at James. "This isn't over!" he yelled, as his torso turned to liquid. "I'll get you, my pretties, and your little dog toooo…" With that, he disappeared.

"Dog?" Remus whispered to Sirius. "He must mean you."

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said. "I'm not a—WHOA! SQUIRREL!" he shouted, and bounded off towards the Forbidden Forest.

"Thanks for saving me," Lily said to James. "But why did you do it? I thought you hated me."

James shrugged. "I 'unno," he said. "I guess I wanted to keep you alive so I could keep insulting you. And possibly sleep with you."

Lily groaned. "If that ever happens, I hope the Dark Lord kills me," she said.

_A/n: Sorry this one took way longer than it should have. I am so bad with deadlines. I think we'll change the usual update time from "every Thursday" or whatever it was to "whenever I feel like it." But I think you can expect another chapter to show its face before Thanksgiving (that's next Thursday, for the non-Americans among you). Much love, and thanks for the reviews. _


	4. In Witch the Athor Has Bad Speling

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, abuse (of the reader and the English language), and satire. If you have a problem with your heart, your back, or your sense of humor, you should not read this fic.

Disclaimer: Any and all plagiarism is blatant.

Author's Note: Okay. This next chapter will be tiring to read. Just read the title to get the idea. It's hard to read, but I kept it short, and I think it's pretty funny if you give it the time. But if you're tired, come back later, because it will make no sense. Er...well...even less than it does anyway.

_Chapter 4: In Witch the Athor Has Bad Speling and Immpropar Grammer_

_a/n lol sry u guyz i wuz up l8 last nite n 4got 2 wriet this chappie!1!one! dont worry tho i m wrieting it now & will psot asap dint run thru spel Czech but its ok rite:)_

Srius & Remsu wrer tlaking in the comon room how r u srius asked i m fine said Remsu but how wuz ur meeting w/ porfessor moogonaggal/

wait said srius this stroy smees ackward u no? where s all teh punkchoowayshin?

i definately dont now replied Remsu

"Hi, guys!" chirped Lily, who was visiting from another (better) fanfic. "What's up?"

ntm said srius how bout u Remmy? nuthin said Remsu but lilly howz things wit u n jmaes ptoter?

"jmaes ptoter?" Lily frowned. "Who is jmaes ptoter?"

nvm said Remsu sry lilllllllllly

"Er...right." Lily ran away in terror.

ReMsU sAiD sRiUs Y dId ShE lEaVe

no clu said Remsu feelin veri stewped (a/n i dont noe how 2 spel taht n so im just doin it fonnetiklee i hop its rite)

srius hav u sene my transsfigratin bkok

ya sed srius its over they're,

thats not mine its the pettigrus

jsut take it

but its not mine its theres

omg said srius or maybe Remsu (sry i 4got who wuz tacking) i red smoething real wierd

reali? said Remsu r u reffering 2 r skoolwork

no Remmy said srius (who's grammer errrrrrorz wre becomin more n moor e-gree-jee-iss by the minuet—and no i dnot mean minute a minute is smoethin u play on the paino) i raed that theirs a thing cald a sykle of abyoose that has a bad affect on ppl

how dos it wrok?

wel sed srius 1st the abyooser hurts the ppl they luv, weather fizziklee or mentlee

then waht

"Then the abuser apologizes for his or her behavior," said Sirius. "He or she becomes tolerable, even nice, to be around. This keeps their loved ones from leaving them."

"And then?"

then the sighcle strats over agian

o said Remsu that snouds kinda farmiliar 4 sum reason

omg said srius wat r u talking abt ur stuped nad im leaving

thats ok siad Remsu ive stil got the reeders 2 talk 2 rite

then Remsu spontanously cmobusted cuz the reeders all flammed the stroy


	5. In Which There Are Siriusly Bad Puns

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, and cheap puns.

Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I would be obscenely rich.

Author's Note: It's kinda been a while. Hi, guys.

I wanted to start by apologizing for the difficulties some people had with the most recent chapter. Apparently it was harder to read than I thought it would be, and not everyone seemed to understand that the spelling mistakes were intentional. (I thought that if the consistency with which I misspelled srius and Remsu's names didn't give it away, then "spell Czech" surely would have.) I do not apologize for writing the chapter, however, because I had so much fun writing it, and when I re-read it just now, I was giggling so much that my brother thought that the stress of college applications had caused my mind to snap.

Ooh, also, thanks for the reviews, love, and cookies. They were delicious.

Anyway, today I was supposed to be writing a college essay, but instead I wrote this. It's not really up to my usual standard (which, considering my usual standard, is quite a harsh statement), but it's pretty entertaining nonetheless. Enjoy.

_Chapter 5: In Which There Are Some Siriusly Bad Puns_

James was trying to look busy so that the author could write an opening sentence about whatever it was that he was doing. He unfortunately failed, and was given quite a stern lecture.

"James, my deer!" Sirius called, skipping down the corridor. They were in the corridor. That hasn't been mentioned yet, has it? Oh, darn.

James rolled his eyes. "That wasn't punny," he said irritably.

Sirius smiled endearingly. Just then, a rather familiar-looking Slytherin boy with white-blond hair swept by the two boys.

"As much as I hate that boy, I must say that he is one luscious Malfoy," said Lily, coming up behind James and Sirius.

"Hey, Lily!" James snickered. "Your name is Lily. Is your last name White? Because then you'd be Lily White! And that would be humorous!"

"Potter, you are ridiculous."

"Ridiculous?" James looked around. "Where's the boggart?"

"Honestly," Lily groaned. "Can't you ever be serious?"

"No," said James, grinning hugely. "_He's_ Sirius!"

"Oh, seriously."

Sirius looked perplexed. "But my last name is Black, not Lee!"

Lily glared at the two boys. "I hate you both. I'm going to find srius and Remsu—at least they made conversation." She stormed off, muttering under her breath.

James frowned. "Who are srius and Remsu?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "Oh, by the way, it's a full moon tonight."

James looked puzzled. "So?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "_So,_ It sounds like Remus might be in a bit of a hairy situation!"

"Um...Sirius?" James looked a bit uncomfortable. "We're only in first year. We don't know he's a werewolf yet."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Damn."


	6. In Which the Author Is in Sirius Denial

Title: A Typical Harry Potter Fanfic

Author: Anathema2

Summary: A parody of fanfic clichés everywhere. Don't worry, I write this out of love. Mostly.

Warnings: Irreverence, silliness, comic violence, and controversial opinions about major characters.

Disclaimer: Of course I'm JK Rowling (to whom these characters, etc. belong)! Who did you think I was? A teenage fangirl just pretending? (scoffs)

_Chapter 6: In Which the Author Is in Sirius Denial_

_or_

_In Which There Is One Final Pun_

As was fairly commonplace, Sirius was doing something he shouldn't have been. On this particular occasion, he was attempting to set fire to Mrs. Norris. This was unwise, especially in light of the fact that Filch was standing right behind him.

"I've got you now, Black!" he shouted in triumph. "The Headmaster doesn't approve of me stabbing students in the chest as punishment, but I'm sure it'd be fine just this once." So saying, Filch whipped out a machete and stabbed Sirius.

Sirius fell, clutching his chest. Moments later, though, he stood back up, not a trace of blood remaining visible.

"What?" roared Filch, outraged. "How could you—but I just—AAAAARGH!" And he broke Sirius's neck.

For a moment, Sirius was utterly still. Filch let out a cry of triumph, which quickly turned into a furious roar when Sirius stood up and nonchalantly snapped his neck back into place.

"You'll have to do better than that," said Sirius, who strolled around the corner.

Filch stalked after him. "Be vewwy, vewwy quiet," he whispered to no one in particular. "I'm hunting twoublemakews."

He snuck up behind Sirius, who turned around, inexplicably munching on a carrot. "What's up, doc?"

"Argh!" shouted Filch. "First you set fire to my cat, and then you steal vegetables from the kitchens! I'll get you!" As Filch shouted this, he signaled to Peeves, who dropped an anvil with ACME written on the side onto Sirius's head.

"Really, now," said Sirius irritably, lifting the anvil. "Peeves, I thought you were on my side."

"Eh," said Peeves, shrugging. "You kept upstaging me."

"THIS ENDS NOW, BLACK!" cried Filch. He whipped out a wand and bellowed, "AVADA KEDAVRA!" This was because he had forgotten that he was a Squib, and thus was unable to do magic. Hopefully the readers have forgotten as well, because the author is too lazy to go back and fix this glaring disregard for continuity.

Sirius fell to the floor, where he lay horribly still. With a victorious cackle, Filch ran off to tell Dumbledore that there was a dead body in the corridor and that he, for once, was not going to clean it up.

As soon as Filch had gone, Sirius straightened up, brushed himself off, and strolled back to the Gryffindor common room to relate his adventure to James.

"That's amazing, Sirius," said James, awestruck. "But how come you didn't die?"

"Well," said Sirius thoughtfully, "it's because, decades from now, I'm going to die from a killing curse fired by my cousin Bellatrix, and my body will disappear behind a veil in the Ministry of Magic. After this tragic event, my godson Harry will search desperately for some way by which I might not be dead, and he might be able to talk to me again, before he eventually comes to accept that I am morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead. This very clear explanation, however, will not satisfy my legions of screaming fangirls, many of whom will misinterpret my symbolic fall through the veil as a clue that I might not be dead after all, rather than seeing the veil as the gateway to the Beyond, or Heaven, or what have you. They will similarly distort beyond recognition my godson's conversation with one Luna Lovegood, failing to recognize it as an echo of Dumbledore's statement that he will only truly be gone when none are loyal to him. They will instead misinterpret this conversation as proof of my having remained alive, completely destroying the beautiful, subtle metaphor contained within the aforementioned conversation."

James was quiet for a moment, absorbing all of this. "So," he said at length, "when you evaded Filch's attempts to kill you just now, it was because of fangirls writing fics wherein you are immortal? And that shields them from the fact that sometimes, even in a fictional universe, we must remain to some extent within the confines of reality? And it allows them to hide in the shelter of their delusions, rather than grieving, accepting your death, and moving on?"

Sirius nodded. "Pretty much."

"That sounds unhealthy," James mused.

Just then, a horde of screaming fangirls ran into the common room, shrieking, "SIRIUS LIVES!" and accidentally-on-purpose trampling James to death. (They trampled Sirius, too, but he survived, because, y'know, the whole denial thing.)

THE END

(I mean it.)

_Author's note: I am really, truly sorry about this. _

_This chapter was kind of a downer, and not really all that funny. Bur I get so tired of people who, unable to deal with their own emotions, feel compelled to cheapen what would otherwise be one of the most powerful moments in the fifth book. _

_I am aware that some of you will not like this chapter, because you believe that Sirius is still alive. Please do not send me angry e-mails insisting that Sirius did not die. They will not change my mind. However, if the seventh book reveals that Sirius is actually alive, then feel free to point, laugh, and gloat to your hearts' content. Until then, fangirls, please think hard about whether you truly don't believe that Sirius is dead, or whether you simply don't want to believe. _


End file.
